Baby Blues

I'm fairly sure that the majority of girls my age cringe at the thought of babies. They hear other girls gushing about their pregnancies and mumble, "Not me!" excitedly under their breath. But I'm not the norm. Actually - I don't think I ever have been (define 'normal', anyway). Reality is - and this takes A LOT for me to say - I'm jealous. Jealous of pregnant women, jealous of girls my age with kids and pissed off at whatever higher being is making me feel this way.

Recently my FI and I found out a good friend of his and his wife are expecting. Through my gritted teeth congrats and fake smile, my heart had dropped to my knees. It had dropped so hard, in fact, that FI looked at me and said, "are you ok?" Oh, fuck yeah! I'm just peachy keen, babe! Isn't this just WONDERFUL news? The word baby just gives me those warm fuzzy feelings and I want to vomit puppies and rainbows! Can you sense the sarcasm or do I have to really lay it out on the table for ya? No, really - I'm happy for them. Don't get me wrong. I swear, I am. I'm ridiculously happy for anyone I know that has a child, is expecting or has just had a baby. But reality bites and that bite usually stings.

FI and I are hoping for a positive ASAP - but we know the road is going to be long and hard. I highly doubt that we'll hit a home run our first time out in the field (despite FI swearing his super sperm are freaks of nature [I'm still debating if this is a positive or negative or if I'm just marrying a weirdo?]), but we are ready. We've talked about the possibilities of it taking months, the high high risk of miscarriage and the probability of my ass being on bedrest. These converstations suck but they are the truth and it's ok and GOOD to realize what may (hopefully maybe NOT) happen, right?

Regardless, the outcome off all these is one thing: new life. No matter how much it stings now, I keep the pay off in mind. It'll be an amazing, morning sickness & craving filled time... but it'll be OUR time. So, until then - let the baby blues rule :) It's by far the most humbling experience ... because not all of us have the ability to procreate and experience the most precious gift of all.